The Case of the Dead Camera Battery

Dear Mama,

Get it, like a Hardy Boys mystery. Like I can read or something. Anyhow, the picture lady refused to help me with this last Thursday because the camera battery died. I can't believe I forgot to tell you this over the weekend. It was a glorious day. The picture lady left and could not neglect or torture me. She left me in the care of some ladies that call themselves the Golden Girls. I've never seen the show but I hear it's a hoot and a half. Yeah, I said that. They fed me and changed me and played with me and didn't sit on the couch and ignore me while they watched "What I Like About You" like some people, who DID do that today. I wish they could be my babysitters and not that hag that pays the stupid mortgage here. Where was the picture lady you ask? Torturing somebody else. Her kindly, ill sister who does nothing but kind things for me.

Here I am playing with Leah's teething ring. It was yummy, yummy, yummy.

A Lesson in Sharing

Dear Mama,

If I can share my high chair with the cat,

why can't they share delicious beverages with me? I'm pretty sure I like Diet Coke.

Also, Leah wears underwear on her head.

Love,

H

Where are They Now: Easter Shame with Fake Mustaches

The long loved Easter icons, the Easter Bunny and the chicken that always accompanies him, once beloved by children, lead very different lives now.


The Easter Chicken

The once sidekick to the Easter Bunny is a travesty to all holiday gift bearers everywhere. He said he originally got into this business because he loved children. Now, he hangs out outside clubs that he can't get into because they are for the kiddies aged 14 to 18. He drinks his days away and sleeps most nights in his van. Not one of those cool vans that have carpet and beaded curtains. No, an old catering delivery van that has a metal floor and smells like pickles.

The Easter Bunny

A shrewd business man now. He still has the same job he always had, delivering the goodies on Easter morning. Sometime in the 80's, he decided he had had enough of the way things were mis-managed. He went back to school and got and MBA from Vanderbuilt. He now runs the show with technology. He delivers all his eggs in his moderately priced Chrysler, LeBaron. He is also the president of a the National Holiday Goody Givers Union which boasts such members as Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.

Below is his office showing the digital maps and schedules that now dicate his day and his briefcase with a selection of finely made Easter goods that he takes to meetings making sure to give the right product to each client.

PS, Sue Y., there is a 60% off sale at Coldwater Creek right now and Ali wanted you to know.

PPS We still have more fake mustaches.

Day of Discovery

Dear Mama,

Here's what I know.


1. Murphy looks darn good in shades.

2. We should add this book to our regular rotation. I read it to Leah today.

This part reminds me of Paul and Murphy.

This part is really wierd. The picture lady says the author was doing drugs when she wrote this. I don't know if it was drugs but she was definately not in a good frame of mind.

3. Leah is on my side now with the penguins. She took this one hostage. We won't return it until the rest have vacated the toy basket. They have one week and then it goes in Leah's mouth.

4. Leah sings now. It all sounds the same. I asked her what she was singing and she says it's kind like some kind of spoken word thing like in "So I Married and Axe Murderer". Can I watch that sometime?

5. The AFLAC duck is running low on batteries so instead of it saying AFLAC like it should, it screams AAAAAAKKKKKK at really bizarre times when nobody is touching it. The picture lady says it may replace the pink star wand and the octopus as the toy she would most like to insert in the garbage disposal (which are now illegal to purchase and install in Raleigh so it's a good thing she doesn't live there). Gilbert Godfreid is going to haunt my dreams now.

6. The picture lady likes DeBarge. Did you know this? She makes us listen to "Who's Johnny" and "Rythm of the Night" sometimes. I would like to put her iPod in the garbage disposal. I think it is her that is a very special girl. And not in a good way.

7. The penguins have names. They are named, Ali, Liz, Emily, Karen, Dave and AJ. I know it was you people who named them. I think maybe you guys have a little bit too good of an opinion of yourselves if you're naming evil penguins after yourselve's. Leah is holding Liz in the picture above.

See you when you get here. I could really go for a burrito for dinner.

Love,

H