Not Even Good Enough to Eat at the Table

Dear Mama,

Today I was banished to eating my lunch off the floor. It was peas. These people think they are so much better than me but they aren't. As you can see, the cat knows she isn't better so we just pretended like we were having a picnic.

This is the present the picture lady got for Daddy. It's a bottle Leah will drink out of. Normally she makes a face similar to a dog eating peanut butter, but this thing she loves. She thinks it's like the mega foo.




Lastly, they have started forcing mandatory exercise time on Leah so they converted the prison they normally put me in into a gym for her. That means freedom, sweet freedom. I'm still trying to figure out how to open all the doors but I have free reign on the dining room, living room and hall. I can watch the dogs all day if I want. I did discover that they lay down and go to sleep after five minutes. Sort of shattered my image of them. I thought they ran around and barked all day and night. The picture lady wants to know if anyone has trouble viewing this video since she doesn't really know how to upload them.

Love,

H

One Animal was Harmed in the Making of This Post

Dear Mama,

Leah is dumb. Real dumb. I tried to instill some book learnin' on her today but she just wasn't getting it. I tried to heal her dumbness with my very special smart powers but she stayed dumb. She doesn't talk. I say kitty kitty kitty kitty. She doesn't even eat the books. She used to get by on her looks but now she has those gigantor diapers that well, let's face it, make her appear a little overweight. Her favorite Auntie even said she looks bad in them. Her mom called her Grimace.





On a lighter note, I had a meeting with the cat today in the crib and we decided that it would be a good idea for us to add some more variety to our game of tag. It takes all day and I never get her. Now, I get to hold a cat toy and say kitty kitty kitty and she sort of dances around me and meows, if you can call it that. The picture lady was going to get a video of us playing and of Grimace making another sad attempt at her singing career but sadly Leah's brains are genetic and when she asked her sister to bring her video camera over she forgot to mention the video part so we now have two regular cameras over here. So it's me, two regular cameras, 3 mildly retarded ladies, two misbehaving dogs and the cat.



You should start saving up for the psychologist now since it's going to take a lot of help to fix me from the damage they've done.

Love,

H

Side Note from The Picture Lady Concerning H's Current Outfit

1. He is wearing a stylishly designed onseie made by Adam
2. His shirt says he is the official bug catcher and I take offense to him feeling he needs to catch bugs at my house since I don't really think I require a bug catcher. I know the occasional moth and mosquito fly in and somewhere in the back bedroom there is a secret hole that a few spiders use to get in and out (and eventually under my shoe) but really, an ifestation? I don't really think so.
3. He wore camouflage pants to catch the bugs in. He isn't really going to blend into the decor of my house since I didn't decorate the inside of my house like the woods. They might see him coming, the moth and the spider and the mosquito I mean.

What's Your Interpretation?

Dear Mama,

I submitted my MBE Schedule E form to the picture lady so I could be eligible for state contracts based on my minority status. This proves my adopted grandpa is Asian. I think you know what that means... Chang & Eng.




I also discovered that if I lay on a piece of paper, I am super slippery and can scoot across the carpet faster than a speeding bullet. I'm quite good at it you know.

And a gratuitous picture of Leah since she means nothing to this post but her family reads it.


Love,

H

Who Love's Baby: Unabridged; Volume I-The People Who Work at T-Days with H

Every time H is at Lady Bell's on a non T-Day, we will have a special feature. H got a book from his cousins when he was born that had pictures of all of them and was called. "Who Loves Baby". The picture lady and Fauntie Liz realized there are sooooo many people that love H that we needed to make an unabridged version of it. Here is an encycolpedia of those who love baby despite not being previously published...

LEAH PEAH DIARRHEA



Leah would spend all day watching H were it not for that crappy part of babyhood that requires her to sleep half the day. She loves him so much that she goes over to his house most of the rest of the days of the week to get a little more H. Leah and H are best friends. Leah loves H as much as 8 H heads.

THE PICTURE LADY, AKA LADY BELL AND MR. PICTURE LADY

This is the photography and cafeteria staff. They are responsible for all the photography on T-Days and for providing daily meals to the entire staff. The picture lady is know for her somewhat neglegtful borderline abusive care of H. Mr. Picture Lady is known for that one time when he put H in a basket. Combined, they love H as much as 7.5 H heads.

MURPHY P BELL, ESQ.


Muprhy is known for her bad attitude. She is responsible for janitorial and legal council. She would like you to know that T-Days is a registered trademark and also that she is currently mad because she is on the porch and she wishes to be inside. She is always harping on about how she can't do her job effectively from out there and how nobody likes her and she has a bad rap from being a lawyer but she helps refugee seal babies and that time she sold you out for Ali was all a big misunderstanding blah, blah, blah. She has officially filed some paperwork appealing the fact that I am saying she only loves H by about 2 H heads and she is selfish.

JACK JACK EMILIANOFF


Jack Jack is also on the janatorial staff. He is often put in his kennel for not doing his job correctly. He has one stupid job. Eat the stupid rice crispies that H throws on the floor. He proceeds to eat everything in site and regularly tries to lick H in the face. His enthusiasm is worth 10 heads by itself. He likes H about 5 H heads but it might seem like more because of his enthusiasm.

PAUL GROENIGER, III AKA KITTY


Kitty likes to play tag with H. She sits 3 feet away from him, he scoots over, she moves 3 more feet away, he scoots over, she moves 3 feet away, and so on for and H head eternity. She is learning to accept that she cannot bite H. She used to dislike him by about a half an H head but now she loves him a full 6 H heads.

THOSE &%$#@ PENGUINS

Those infuriating penguins love H more than life itself. Yes, that is bigger than an H head. H however, does not care for them. They infiltrate everything he does, naps, toy buckets and for the last time, the do NOT belong on the Incrediblock.

Next time... Volume II-Faunties and Funcles

There Ain't Room for the Seven of Us

Dear Mama,

I know you must be wondering how I am able to post this after you have already picked me up. In fact, we are probably at IHOP getting our free pancakes as this makes it's way on the the internet. I won't tell you my secret. You will just have to keep on wondering.

The picture lady is sick. She got a bad, bad migraine and she saw spots, was numb on one side of her body and had poor balance. She called Mr. Picture Lady to come home and take care of Leah and I. Leah is sick too. She has a cold. I gave it to her. I am quite generous. I gave my cold to the picture lady too. I try to give back any time I can. Serving my fellow man is important to me.

Anyhow, Mr. Picture Lady's idea of taking care of me involves putting me in a basket and watching Muppets. He LOVES Muppets. More that anything else.

This is me in the basket. He loaded me up with those penguins. Trouble making penguins. I don't like to share with them. They always ruin my fun. I had to throw them out onto the floor. I will not give them my cold.




This is an old picture of Leah. She wasn't much into being a part of things today. She slept all day. At our house. At her house. In the car.


I am becoming quite an artist as well. My rendition of Mr. Picture Lady and Kermit is dead on.


So is my picture of the picture lady sick on the couch. I think she just faked it all so she wouldn't have to take care of me. She is so lazy.


See you tomorrow for a special edition of T Days with H. My first non T day post.

Love,

H

Back to the Grind

Dear Mama,

I need to file a grievance but I can't find the HR department in this house. I thought when she said she would work from home it meant SHE would work from home. All day all she has done is turn me into her slave. I mean, what's a spreadsheet anyhow. I never use Deltek. I'm more familiar with Peachtree but she will have none of that.







Plus, Leah refuses to work just because she can't hold a stinking pen in her hand. I think someone is playing favorites.



Seriously, why do you send me here? Are you not hearing me. I know for a fact that I'm not legally allowed to work past 7:00pm since I'm under 16 years of age so you better be here by then.

Love,

H

PS. I did play tag with the cat today. I managed to almost keep up with her. I think she was going a little slow though. I only had 15 minutes to do it since you have to work a full 8 hours to get an hour lunch.

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood...

Dear Mama,

Today IS a beautiful day in the neighborhood. You might not know it's 77 degrees outside since you are currently in a temperature controlled cubicle. With a light breeze even. We went for a walk because I cry and Leah cries and then I cry some more and then Leah cries some more. Just ask Dad. That's pretty much all we ever do. Interject some getting stuck under the furniture and that sums up my day. The picture lady took us out. She told me that the walls make the cry sound waves bounce around the room like a beebee and she might have to curl up in a ball in the corner to cope so out we went. As you can see we had to walk to another street to play in the grass. A place where the dogs don't use it as a public toilet. This magic land is called the next street over.



I got to play with sticks. I really like to put them in my mouth. The picture lady is mean and won't let me. She says someone else has to be responsible when I end up puncturing my esophagus. She is so boring. I totally know what I'm doing.


Leah likes the breeze. Here she is smiling feeling the wind on her face.


When we got back a miracle happened. Let it be known that at 2:45 on this day, February 5th, 2008, Leah and I took a nap at the same time.




Hope work is treating you alright. Send my love to Walter. Cheers to a day without Vitamin D deficiencies.

Love,

H