H's All New Adventures With The New Old Picture Lady

Dear Mamma,

I had high hopes when you told me that I would be spending my summer with a different babysitter.  You can imagine how shocked I was when you dropped me off and I was at the old pictures lady's house.  You know, the lady who watched me last summer and dressed me up and took pictures.  I don't think that I need to remind you of these...

I wish that you could just send me to someone who doesn't find it entertaining to take pictures of me.  The new old picture lady says that I am here to amuse her.  She makes Baby Leah spend the whole day in her Johnny Jump Up.  She says that Baby Leah has to keep production at The Baby Fun Factory up to quota.  It's called a Baby Fun Factory.... I thought that meant it was supposed to be fun.  I guess its one of those names that is the exact opposite of what it is like The Clean Skies Act or No Child Left Behind.

I thought that nothing could be more boring than the picture lady's spread sheets and time sheets.  Oh, how wrong I was.  The new old picture lady read me "The Three Little Pigs".  Then she ask me how The Big Bad Wolf and The Great Gatsby are examples of the death of the American Dream.  I told her that both characters are trying to possess things that were never theirs to possess in the first place, thus the American Dream is dead to them.  Then she asked "Can you back your argument up with quotes from the text?"  Can you believe that Mamma?  I am a baby and I can't even read.  I thought that my answer was pretty impressive for a baby.  

I also thought that I was getting away from little dogs.....but NO.... the new old picture lady has a little dog too.  This dog is not white.  It is black with fuzzy hair and it follows me around the house hoping for treats.  I made the mistake of giving her one of my goldfish crackers and now she won't stop following me.  It's like I'm The Greatful Dead.  All I want to do is play in the curtains, which is my new favorite pass time, and here comes that fuzzy black thing wanting more treats.

The new old picture lady says that she will be gone for awhile.  I certainly hope that you can come up with somebody funner before she gets back.

Yeah, I Know This Still Doesn't Make Up for My Lack of Posting

A conversation between Leah and H.

To the untrained ear it sounds like "ba da da ba da la ya ya ya"

To the picture lady it sounds like...

H - Leah, I hate your mom.

Leah - Hate is a strong word.

H - Leah, I super double hate your mom.

Leah - I used to like her 5 shots ago.

H - I thought I made it clear that I didn't want to go on this stupid afternoon of errands when I cried all the way to the new old picture lady's and then to the doctor and then the whole time we were at the doctor and then all the way to the library.

Leah - Yeah, I got the hint. My dad told me she is just a little crazy when she gets it in her head to run errands. She starts and won't stop until she has accomplished everything she ever set out to do in her entire life.

H - Let's get even. I'll refuse to take a nap and you should poop a ton and make it blow out every direction.

Leah - I'm already on it. I've been getting even twice a week with your dad since February and he didn't even do anything to me.

Out of Office Reply...

To whom it may concern,

I was out on vacation for the last month because my dad finished school and I did not have to go to the picture lady's house. I am considering this the best month of my life to date. This blog serves as evidence of her neglectful ways. Starting tomorrow, I will be using a second ghost writer named Fauntie Liz, Blogger At Large. I will be spending non T-days with her but still have to spend Tuesday and Thursday at the picture lady's house. Fauntie Liz has a pool and all her movies are on a low shelf where I will be able to easily pull them all out. She also has a small dog that won't lick me all over like Jack Jack and she doesn't have a second job over the summer besides watching Leah and I so I know she won't make me do other work. I will also be going to another baby sitter besides these two as well. I don't think we'll force her to ghost write my blog but if there are some days missing, I may be there. Or the picture lady is still trying to get fired.

Love,

H

Catching Up

Dear Mama,

I know I am a slacker blogger. This is just a preview of things to come. If someday you tell me to clean my room, I'll let you know that if I can't be bothered to blog I surely can't be bothered to do real work. I think I'll wait until I'm 26 to get my first job and I might drop out of high school.

Love,

H

My Friend, Dave Nelson, from Newsradio Came Over Again Today...Like He Does Every Day

Dear Mama,

Do you ever feel like you watch so much of a tv show that you know the characters as well as the other people in your life? And you wonder what their up to when you don't see them because you are so used to them? That is what it's like here every day because we just watch Newsradio all the time. Hey picture lady, ever hear of a thing called variety? Didn't think so. So anyhow, today, Matthew tripped on something again, and Lisa and Dave got in a fight again, and Joe fixed something with homemade duct tape again and Bill said something crazy on the air again and Mr. James has a new scheme with his billionaire friends again and Beth is still chewing the same piece of gum she started with in the pilot. Geez I miss Katherine.

On another topic, Leah is creeping me out. She is stalking me. She slowly comes up behind me and touches me on the back or the hair. She doesn't want to grab me or talk to me, just rest her hand there. And I see she wrote Mrs. Leah Righter on all her notebooks. She only wants to play with my toys and she is just plain odd. I'm thinking about getting a restraining order. I know it's hard not to worship me but she needs a little self discipline. I think it's because she is descended from the picture lady and those genes are slightly mutated.

Love,

H

Who Loves Baby Unabridged Volume II: Faunties and Funcles

I must be tortured for extra day this week so as promised, here is more of who loves me.

Fauntie Liz

Fuantie Liz is my favorite. She just lavishes me with love and food whenever she is near. I don't know why all faunties can't be like her. I wish she babysat me all the time instead of the picture lady. She loves me all the H heads in the world. Including the ones you love me with.

Fauntie Ali

My personal photographer. Fauntie Ali is there to document all of my awesomeness. It's hard to find a better # 1 fan. Go ahead try it. She will beat you. She will win. And if she doesn't, she will harm you. She loves me 8 H heads at least.

Funcle Dave

Good times to be had with Funcle Dave. He puts me in baskets sometimes. He lets me eat his cheese even if he doesn't know it. I always like it much more when he comes home and helps the picture lady. He doesn't do nearly often enough. He loves me about 4 H heads. He is kind of partial to Leah.

Funcle Scott

I don't get to see him much but from what I gather, he is good at games. He is quiet so when I was a baby I really liked to be around him. I like him now too. Sometimes I think he could teach the rest of them about how to properly take your turn in a conversation. It's a conversation people, not a shouting match. He loves me 2 H heads more than he loves Beans.

The Golden Girls

They buy me toys and clothes. They get to step in as my surrogate grandmas on the East Coast since my real ones are across the country. I still love my real grandmas millions of H heads but these ladies are always good for some entertainment. They play a lot of cards. They are also partial to Leah but they evenly distribute their H heads of love so I never feel left out.

The Entire Congregation of the Cary 2nd Ward

Lets face it, how could you not love me. I rock. They love me a minimum of 3 H heads per member.

The picture lady says she loves me but I know it is a lie because if she did she would take better care of me so she will be left out of this post.

Hyrum for President of Leah

In this picture, creepy Leah is trying to touch me.

I would like to state my position on the issues....

I am PRO Leah not being able to touch the piano and the incrediblock.

I am AGAINST unfair mandatory napping. Especially when dogs are inside the house.

I am AGAINST leaving me trapped on the fireplace ledge to fend for myself. People who are in charge of my care should take responsibility.

I am AGAINST Creepy Leah and her sneaky, wierd touching. She isn't going to be allowed to do that when she's older so we might as well start her learning now. After all, her learning curve is a tad bit bigger than most.

I am PRO calling the picture lady Bob. I don't know why I started doing it. It just seemed to fit.

I am PRO being allowed to go behind the coffee table and play with the computer. I am efficent and proficient. Today alone I managed to log off, delete the internet shortcut and open many files.

I am AGAINST centralized health care. Everything our government touches gets worse. There are better ways.

So vote for me, H, for president of Leah. So I can boss her around and make her stay away from my toys for good. I don't want to have to throw blocks at her but it's for her own good.