Leah's Who Lunch

Dear Faunty Emily and Toddler H,

I have learned a lot of things this week with Toddler H home and not at Faunty Liz's. For example, I learned that I am great at breaking into blogs and taking them over. Wha ha ha....so today this is not T Days this is Leee-days!

Since Toddler H isn't here, Faunty Liz takes me to the pool everyday and I get to float in the water and splash. I am getting quite good at it. I take my swimming very seriously. Faunty Liz says that if H were here this week that she wouldn't be able to take me swimming because she can't handle two babies all by herself.I had a very big day today. After a morning of swimming and a quick nap, Faunty Liz took me to get the oil changed in her car. For an outing, I have to say that it was pretty boring and quite a let down. I mean, I had to go all the way down stairs and get in the stupid car seat to ride all the way to sit in a stinky room for thirty minutes. After that I started to question Faunty Liz's idea of a good time. Lucky for her and her street cred, things started up for her when she took me to lunch at Panera Bread. I got to eat bread, small bits of chip, muffin, and baby jar peas. That was a super good time because I like to eat and watch all of the people come and go. Then Faunty Liz told me that it was "Spoil Baby Leah Day" and we went to Target. I have to tell you Toddler H that you missed out because I came out w/ quite the booty of toys.

I haven't decided if I am going to let Toddler H play w/ my new toys or give him the stink eye if he touches them and lift his hand and move it away. Does that sound familiar Toddler H?


Faunty Liz says that I need to fit in when I go to Portland next week, so I got some Hippy outfits. I am super excited to see all of my cousins in style.

My big day continued when I picked up Auntie Ali and Uncle Scott and took them to the airport. I got very tired on the way and Auntie Ali had to sing me the horsie song and Uncle Scott had to find my bottle and binky. Faunty Liz sang me "Yellow Submarine" all the way home because I really liked it. By the time I got back to Faunty Liz's apartment I was sound asleep. I was quite happy to get in the house and go right back to sleep. Even in sleeping, my big day wasn't over. Faunty Liz painted my toe nails while I slept in the swing. Now I have groovy green toes.

Since this is Toddler H's blog, I guess I should show you some pictures of him. Here are some images of him from last week. We got to go swimming because Faunty Lis had help when Cousin Lucinda was visiting. Toddler H got his hair styled in a Mohawk when we went swimming. Don't you think he looks TUFF?
Another thing that I learned is that I totally rock the mohawk way harder than Toddler H.

It's a good thing that Toddler H is forgetful and left his sunglasses in the swim bag. That way I could really chill out daddio.


Well that's all for now intermanets. I'm just a baby and this is a long blog.....my fingers are tired.
Lots of love-
Baby Leah

I'm In Love with the Good Picture Lady

Dear Mama,

I'm in love with the good picture lady. I'm thinking of petitioning our local government to see about changing the marriage laws in our state to include babies. Mama, she's a beautiful angel who smells like sweet perfume and Cheerwine. When I woke up from my nap she was just there and my heart jumped a little. I was a white hot mess today and she still loved me. I think she might secretly be Glinda the good witch.

She has this giant fancy camera. She won't let me touch it, but she let me pose as much as I wanted. I climbed all over this chair trying out every pose I could think of. She told me just to work it and I did! I felt like a rock star, which you would think it would be hard because of all the snot dripping out of my nose.

Oh the sweet music of the good picture lady. She played the old picture lady's piano and sang me songs. Songs about me, songs about Christmas, and silly songs about silly things. She even kept singing to me after I wiped my nose all over her shirt. Isn't she divine Mama? I sang too, and danced all over the room. It was fantastic. I think I wanna be a Donnie Osmond when I grow up. Mama did you know that Leah's related to Donnie Osmond? Maybe she can put his people in touch with my people. That's you, you're my people.

Murphy's such a fool. She just stared out the window and shook in anticipation of the old picture lady coming home. Doesn't she know that the old picture lady sucks? I tried to tell her, but she wouldn't listen. In fact she wouldn't even come near me until I started throwing tortilla pieces at her. What does she know anyway?

Leah had to get her picture taken too because she was wearing English clothes from her fauntie Sarah B. in England. She was really annoyed about it at first, but she warmed up after I showed her how to pose like a pro. She appreciated me taking her under my wing like that. That Leah has a lot to learn, good thing I'm here to teach her stuff. Can I say Mama, that the English think they're so much better than us because they have Madonna now, but they're so wrong. Leah tells me Sarah B. likes mericans though, she studied them in college and writes our congress women and men for fun. I get it, because we're awesome.

So I wish I could see the good picture lady everyday, but she's always sick and busy. Someday we'll be together. I love her.

Love H

The Following Things Have Been "Fed" to Leah by H Today

A block

Some puffs

A nut (from the toy tool set)

Murphy's tail

H's bottle

Leah's bottle

A wrench (also from the tool set)

A farm book

Dog food

He would also like to feed these items to Murphy. She would like to find a place to hide.

Blue Block Pig Nose

I look awesome. You should hear the noises I can make with this thing on.

I Love Murphy, She Hates Me, We're a Happy Family

Dear Mama,

Now that Jack Jack is gonzo Murphy stays inside all day long. She is always good for a laugh so I don't mind having her around but let me tell you how she feels about me. I get to have snacks at a level that she believes is reserved only for her. She believes that if it is not high on a table, it's fair game for everyone. Well the picture lady put some crackers on the ottoman for me to eat and yelled at Murphy to stay out of it. She thought this meant EVERYONE. Every time I went to get a cracker she growled at me and barked at me. This resulted in her having to spend the entire day with the picture lady. So much for freedom.

Love,

H

H's All New Adventures With The New Old Picture Lady

Dear Mamma,

I had high hopes when you told me that I would be spending my summer with a different babysitter.  You can imagine how shocked I was when you dropped me off and I was at the old pictures lady's house.  You know, the lady who watched me last summer and dressed me up and took pictures.  I don't think that I need to remind you of these...

I wish that you could just send me to someone who doesn't find it entertaining to take pictures of me.  The new old picture lady says that I am here to amuse her.  She makes Baby Leah spend the whole day in her Johnny Jump Up.  She says that Baby Leah has to keep production at The Baby Fun Factory up to quota.  It's called a Baby Fun Factory.... I thought that meant it was supposed to be fun.  I guess its one of those names that is the exact opposite of what it is like The Clean Skies Act or No Child Left Behind.

I thought that nothing could be more boring than the picture lady's spread sheets and time sheets.  Oh, how wrong I was.  The new old picture lady read me "The Three Little Pigs".  Then she ask me how The Big Bad Wolf and The Great Gatsby are examples of the death of the American Dream.  I told her that both characters are trying to possess things that were never theirs to possess in the first place, thus the American Dream is dead to them.  Then she asked "Can you back your argument up with quotes from the text?"  Can you believe that Mamma?  I am a baby and I can't even read.  I thought that my answer was pretty impressive for a baby.  

I also thought that I was getting away from little dogs.....but NO.... the new old picture lady has a little dog too.  This dog is not white.  It is black with fuzzy hair and it follows me around the house hoping for treats.  I made the mistake of giving her one of my goldfish crackers and now she won't stop following me.  It's like I'm The Greatful Dead.  All I want to do is play in the curtains, which is my new favorite pass time, and here comes that fuzzy black thing wanting more treats.

The new old picture lady says that she will be gone for awhile.  I certainly hope that you can come up with somebody funner before she gets back.

Yeah, I Know This Still Doesn't Make Up for My Lack of Posting

A conversation between Leah and H.

To the untrained ear it sounds like "ba da da ba da la ya ya ya"

To the picture lady it sounds like...

H - Leah, I hate your mom.

Leah - Hate is a strong word.

H - Leah, I super double hate your mom.

Leah - I used to like her 5 shots ago.

H - I thought I made it clear that I didn't want to go on this stupid afternoon of errands when I cried all the way to the new old picture lady's and then to the doctor and then the whole time we were at the doctor and then all the way to the library.

Leah - Yeah, I got the hint. My dad told me she is just a little crazy when she gets it in her head to run errands. She starts and won't stop until she has accomplished everything she ever set out to do in her entire life.

H - Let's get even. I'll refuse to take a nap and you should poop a ton and make it blow out every direction.

Leah - I'm already on it. I've been getting even twice a week with your dad since February and he didn't even do anything to me.

Out of Office Reply...

To whom it may concern,

I was out on vacation for the last month because my dad finished school and I did not have to go to the picture lady's house. I am considering this the best month of my life to date. This blog serves as evidence of her neglectful ways. Starting tomorrow, I will be using a second ghost writer named Fauntie Liz, Blogger At Large. I will be spending non T-days with her but still have to spend Tuesday and Thursday at the picture lady's house. Fauntie Liz has a pool and all her movies are on a low shelf where I will be able to easily pull them all out. She also has a small dog that won't lick me all over like Jack Jack and she doesn't have a second job over the summer besides watching Leah and I so I know she won't make me do other work. I will also be going to another baby sitter besides these two as well. I don't think we'll force her to ghost write my blog but if there are some days missing, I may be there. Or the picture lady is still trying to get fired.

Love,

H

Catching Up

Dear Mama,

I know I am a slacker blogger. This is just a preview of things to come. If someday you tell me to clean my room, I'll let you know that if I can't be bothered to blog I surely can't be bothered to do real work. I think I'll wait until I'm 26 to get my first job and I might drop out of high school.

Love,

H

My Friend, Dave Nelson, from Newsradio Came Over Again Today...Like He Does Every Day

Dear Mama,

Do you ever feel like you watch so much of a tv show that you know the characters as well as the other people in your life? And you wonder what their up to when you don't see them because you are so used to them? That is what it's like here every day because we just watch Newsradio all the time. Hey picture lady, ever hear of a thing called variety? Didn't think so. So anyhow, today, Matthew tripped on something again, and Lisa and Dave got in a fight again, and Joe fixed something with homemade duct tape again and Bill said something crazy on the air again and Mr. James has a new scheme with his billionaire friends again and Beth is still chewing the same piece of gum she started with in the pilot. Geez I miss Katherine.

On another topic, Leah is creeping me out. She is stalking me. She slowly comes up behind me and touches me on the back or the hair. She doesn't want to grab me or talk to me, just rest her hand there. And I see she wrote Mrs. Leah Righter on all her notebooks. She only wants to play with my toys and she is just plain odd. I'm thinking about getting a restraining order. I know it's hard not to worship me but she needs a little self discipline. I think it's because she is descended from the picture lady and those genes are slightly mutated.

Love,

H

Who Loves Baby Unabridged Volume II: Faunties and Funcles

I must be tortured for extra day this week so as promised, here is more of who loves me.

Fauntie Liz

Fuantie Liz is my favorite. She just lavishes me with love and food whenever she is near. I don't know why all faunties can't be like her. I wish she babysat me all the time instead of the picture lady. She loves me all the H heads in the world. Including the ones you love me with.

Fauntie Ali

My personal photographer. Fauntie Ali is there to document all of my awesomeness. It's hard to find a better # 1 fan. Go ahead try it. She will beat you. She will win. And if she doesn't, she will harm you. She loves me 8 H heads at least.

Funcle Dave

Good times to be had with Funcle Dave. He puts me in baskets sometimes. He lets me eat his cheese even if he doesn't know it. I always like it much more when he comes home and helps the picture lady. He doesn't do nearly often enough. He loves me about 4 H heads. He is kind of partial to Leah.

Funcle Scott

I don't get to see him much but from what I gather, he is good at games. He is quiet so when I was a baby I really liked to be around him. I like him now too. Sometimes I think he could teach the rest of them about how to properly take your turn in a conversation. It's a conversation people, not a shouting match. He loves me 2 H heads more than he loves Beans.

The Golden Girls

They buy me toys and clothes. They get to step in as my surrogate grandmas on the East Coast since my real ones are across the country. I still love my real grandmas millions of H heads but these ladies are always good for some entertainment. They play a lot of cards. They are also partial to Leah but they evenly distribute their H heads of love so I never feel left out.

The Entire Congregation of the Cary 2nd Ward

Lets face it, how could you not love me. I rock. They love me a minimum of 3 H heads per member.

The picture lady says she loves me but I know it is a lie because if she did she would take better care of me so she will be left out of this post.

Hyrum for President of Leah

In this picture, creepy Leah is trying to touch me.

I would like to state my position on the issues....

I am PRO Leah not being able to touch the piano and the incrediblock.

I am AGAINST unfair mandatory napping. Especially when dogs are inside the house.

I am AGAINST leaving me trapped on the fireplace ledge to fend for myself. People who are in charge of my care should take responsibility.

I am AGAINST Creepy Leah and her sneaky, wierd touching. She isn't going to be allowed to do that when she's older so we might as well start her learning now. After all, her learning curve is a tad bit bigger than most.

I am PRO calling the picture lady Bob. I don't know why I started doing it. It just seemed to fit.

I am PRO being allowed to go behind the coffee table and play with the computer. I am efficent and proficient. Today alone I managed to log off, delete the internet shortcut and open many files.

I am AGAINST centralized health care. Everything our government touches gets worse. There are better ways.

So vote for me, H, for president of Leah. So I can boss her around and make her stay away from my toys for good. I don't want to have to throw blocks at her but it's for her own good.

My Stuff

Dear Mama,

Now that Leah is older she keeps trying to take my toys. I have to protect them. Today I climbed on top of the incrediblock and blocked her completely. I consider it a very successful day. One little snag though, I like to climb on the fire place but I can't quite get down. I'm trapped up there like baby prison. Sometimes the picture lady just watches me and taunts me but won't help me down for awhile.

Love,

H

What's Worse?

That my hair is so long it naturally goes to the Dwight Schrute hair or....


that Leah looks more and more like Homer Simpson with each passing day?

Holy Rage Batman!

Dear Mama,

Today, I am angry. Very, very angry. No nap and no lunch equals rage. Plus, you know how Leah is kind of dumb. Well today I just couldn't take it anymore. First, she kept hitting the blue button the incrediblock. She never had any interest in it before. Now, she hits it over and over and doesn't let the song play through. I kept gently picking up her hand and moving it away but she kept putting it back. Then she puked inside the green block. Disgusting. Then she puked in the little tray on the incrediblock. I'm surprised she isn't living on the porch with the dogs.  I still love her and she is my best friend but really, I need some kids on my level every once and awhile.

See my anger? I just couldn't get over it. 

See the rage I caused Leah to have? I am so tired of this stupid day. Can you put me to bed already?

Love,

H

Safety First

Dear Mama,

Dad put me in my baby safety onesie today. I think he is starting to realize that the picture lady isn't so good at childcare. Babies and accounting aren't so similar.  

Leah is sporting some lovely overalls from her Grandma Nancy. Why don't I have any clothes with butterflies and flowers? I think I would look really nice. 

Love,

H

Catching Up on Stories You Already Know.

Dear Mama,

I know I already told you all the things I've been doing lately but I figured I'd put them here to preserve them for prosperity.

Last Tuesday, the picture lady told me to smile and I did this...

I learned how to walk with the blue hippo walker. The picture lady took a video on it but is rather dull and can't figure out how to load it on her computer. It makes her use more than the old right click and save which makes her confused and want to quit using computers and just watch Newsradio all day every day.

Today I had fruit for lunch, naked. Naked eating is my kind of meal. I like to stick nasty ohs in my diaper. And peaches. Then the picture lady spent a long time cleaning my arms and face and picked me up and I got stuck to her. I had rubbed fruit juice all over my whole body. It was even in my hair. She gave me a bath. She was going to dress me in another dress and take pictures but it was too close to when you came to pick me up but she will probably do it soon anyhow. There's a new sailor dress that I am DYING to wear. 

Leah's hemorrhoid is getting much better but now she poops like its her job. You should have dad put her poop belt pictures on the internet. See how happy she is now?

Love,

H

A Defiant Apology from the Picture Lady

Dear H's Mama,

Sorry to be so slack in blog posting lately. I offer the following excuses.

- I had to wipe my computer and reinstall everything and haven't yet reinstalled the camera software so I can't get the pictures in the living room, where we hang out since it is a safer zone than the dangerous cords and sharp edges of the office. Now that H is more mobile, that matters.

- I got sick. You know all about it since I gave it your husband and son, and Leah, who you have breakfast with a few times a week. 

- Lately, Leah and H have been coming home, eating lunch and immediately taking a nap. I don't want to take pictures of them sleeping because then they might wake up. I live in fear. Fear of awake babies who don't let me eat lunch and enjoy season 1 and 2 of Newsradio courtesy of Netflix. 

- A couple of times, H wouldn't take a nap and then I couldn't work on the computer because instead of taking a nap he wanted to CRY and CRY so then we had to take a walk, so he wouldn't CRY and CRY anymore.

- H takes his naps in the office where I need to post blogs. This plays on that fear of waking up babies.

- I had to do my actual job. Can you believe they actually expect me to meet deadlines just because they pay me? Sometimes they're all like, "get your work done" and I'm all like, "but what about blogging?" and they're like, "blog shmog, who pays for T-Days huh? How do you pay for that high speed internet? Darn straight, it's us" and I'm like, "fine, but I'm taking a nap first".

Even if you don't think any of the above listed reasons are good, I know you'll relate to this one. I choose naps. If I can take a nap, I will. And I know you will too. If it makes you feel better, I also gave up balancing the checkbook, doing dishes and laundry and just cleaning my house in general. I think I may pick those back up this weekend. Maybe not.

Here's a picture of you're sons butt.

Love,

Lady Bell

Baby's First Hemorrhoid

Dear Mama,

We need to get Leah a card. We went to the doctor today and it turns out all her anger was from roid rage. She pooped a big poop that was literally the size of her arm (not including the hand and slightly thinner but gross just the same). It gave her a hemorrhoid. On a similar note, turns out I have an ear infection. I know I am a man now and I should be able to withstand such trivial things but the picture lady says she signed up for the happiest baby in the world and I'm just not cutting it today.

Intense rage like I've never seen.

Me and the doc

So, Chipotle for dinner? Yes? No?

Love,

H